


the art of letting him hurt

by keeplovinanyway



Series: your mental health and the way it makes me feel [3]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: (it's quite subtle though), Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Psychological Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-25
Updated: 2017-05-25
Packaged: 2018-10-30 10:47:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,036
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10875174
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/keeplovinanyway/pseuds/keeplovinanyway
Summary: The pain Dan's going through isn't something Phil can take away, he's learned.





	the art of letting him hurt

**Author's Note:**

> this is part of a series that's set in the alternative universe of dan having severe mental health issues and childhood trauma. it has nothing to do with my beliefs about real life dan (and phil).

"I just want my mom."

Dan is crying, he is curled in on himself at the far corner of the bed, pressed tightly against the headboard. His cheeks are tear-stained and Phil can see the red in his eyes even from where he is perched on the edge of the mattress.

"This is about more than just wanting her here now, is it?"

Phil thinks he has an idea of what's going on in Dan's head, of the demons plaguing him in this moment, he just doesn't know how much he should ask. He doesn't know if Dan wants to talk, or forget, or what’s best to do for him. And if he knew he still wouldn’t know which one to go for.

He thinks that Dan probably doesn't know either. He's whispering now, a quiet "yes" to the question Phil just asked.

"That must be so hard," he says. He wishes there was more, he wishes he knew if he could reach out and hug.

Dan cries out another sob, it makes Phil wince. "It hurts so much." He sounds so helpless, so small and fragile and broken. Phil sees the child in him when he's like this, the little boy hiding in his room because he needs a mom, but the mom he has doesn't love him like he needs her to. It's no different to what he watches right now, in 2017, in front of himself. Dan never had the mom he needed in that time and he's learned to see the wound now, but that doesn't mean it hurts any less.

Phil's heart aches. He's not sure what to say, but he tries anyways, because nothing won't do any good either.

"You're allowed to feel the way you do right now, you know. You've not let yourself feel like this for a long time, but now you've learned to, and now you feel the pain that's been there all along. You're doing wonderfully, bear. I know it hurts. But..." Phil hesitates, how does he word this right, is there even a right way? He tries, he'll always try. "But you've come a long way for being strong enough to feel this now. That's not a wrong emotion you're having. It's alright."

Dan's still crying, and Phil's so unsure if he's being too preachy, too much acting like the therapist he really isn't. They've had those arguments before. It's the reason he tentatively tells Dan to tell him stop if he's doing too much. Dan just jerks his head up and down ever so slightly, hiccuping on a breath.

A moment passes, another. The feeling of despair hangs tightly between them.

"Dan? Do you want me to hug you?"

Dan nods again, and Phil notices he's clenched his own hands into the bedsheets, untangling them from their grip before he scooches over to where that big pile of open-wounded human tries to make himself into the tiny child he wants to be right now. He takes him into his arms, all of him. It's not as hard as it might seem. They've got practice at this. Plenty of time when one too long limbed man needed to disappear in the warmth of another. It works again, like it always does. Dan's face is pressing wetly against Phil's neck, and he wills himself not to flinch away from how it tickles. Phil has wound his arms around Dan's shoulders, holding him tight. They're pressed close to each other with legs tangled just so that the most of Phil that can be around Dan is covering him everywhere. Cuddling is something they can do.

It seems to help for a while. It's maybe three minutes, maybe five. But then Dan's pulling away, frustrated. "I just can't stop crying." His face is angry now too, angry at himself, and Phil wishes he could smooth out the self-hatred digging more into what's already hurting.

He's got one more idea.

"Is there anything else that could help you right now? Anything you learned in therapy, that I might not know about... maybe you can think of something?"

Phil watches Dan as he thinks, tears rolling and still shaking. He looks up after a while, nods. He wants to try a technique supposed to make him feel safe, and calm, he says.

"I need to be alone, please-"

"Of course," Phil says, "of course." He strokes his fingers over the back of Dan's hand. "I love you."

~~

He waits in the lounge, distracting himself with Crossy Road. Knowing that Dan’s hurting and he can’t make that go away has always been hard. It’s something he used to go crazy over in earlier years, when he was too clingy, too concerned. He remembers clear as day Dan yelling at him in an argument gone out of hand, about how it made him feel like Phil didn’t trust him to deal with his emotions on his own, how he felt babied and ridiculed.

He’s learned now how to let Dan figure out his own pain, and only stand on the side. There’s no use in Phil feeling the same pain Dan does; it doesn’t lessen anything, it just makes both of them feel even worse. What he feels now still aches, but it’s the quiet sort of hurt, the one that he can distract himself of because he knows Dan will do okay on his own. The sort that Crossy Road can cover up enough for him to not agonize over the boy two rooms away.

~~

It’s twenty minutes later when he hears Dan’s door crack open, and socked feet tapping over to the lounge. He turns, just in time to see Dan’s head pop around the corner. He looks quieter, and Phil smiles.

They don’t talk, but Dan curls in close by Phil’s side, resting his head on Phil’s chest. Phil drops a kiss on his curls.

It’s fifteen more minutes into Crossy Road before Dan murmurs a thank you, and Phil just holds him a bit tighter against himself. Later they’ll talk quietly maybe, maybe watch a movie, maybe cook together.

Nothing about it is special or pretty, but they work together, and that is what makes it okay.


End file.
